Haha, thank you :’) It was really awkward to writeeee :L xx
CHAPTER 20 – VANESSA
As soon as we were in my room, Louis turned around, ‘I think we should talk.’
Before he could say anything else, I moved swiftly towards him and pushed my lips to his. For a brief moment, he kissed me back before shaking me off.
‘Wait, I really think we should talk,’ he said, his hands in front of him.
‘Fine,’ I said.
‘Are you not angry?’ Louis asked, confused.
‘Not at you,’ I shrugged.
‘So at Harry?’
‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to lie to you,’ he shook his head and looked down at his hands. ‘Harry asked me to leave it to him to tell you. I didn’t think he’d keep it up for so long. You didn’t deserve that. I feel like I’ve ruined everything.’ He sat down on the edge of my bed and took off his thick coat.
I sat next to him and put my hand on his. ‘It’s okay. I’ve already said, I’m not mad at you. Nothing’s ruined.’
His head turned to face me. He smiled and put his cold palm on my cheek. I bit my lip as his finger stroked my face.
His body leaned forward and he connected his lips to mine once more. My hand reached up to grab his collar as I fell back, pulling him on top of me.
Louis’ hips pushed into mine as he began to kiss my neck. My hands found their way to the hem of his t-shirt. I tugged it upwards and pulled it over his head, revealing his toned abs. My hands began to pull at my own shirt.
Louis’ hand rested onto mine. ‘Are you sure?’ He asked. His eyes scanned my face for any sign of doubt.
I nodded. ‘Yeah,’ I whispered.
He took over my hands and pulled my top off over my head. His lips were warm against mine, his teeth occasionally pulling at my bottom lip. His hand slid round my waist to my lower back and pulled my body closer to his.
The other hand grabbed my hipbone and started to toy with the waistband of my leggings. His fingers slipped down the front of my knickers. My hips bucked towards him as he applied pressure and started circling his thumb around my clit. He pushed two fingers into me slowly before starting up a consistent rhythm.
My left hand sieved it’s way through Louis’ mop of hair as his kisses trailed down my jawbone to my throat. My other hand forced its way down to his jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them as quickly as I could. As soon as they were down, I felt him growing against my leg.
My hand made its way to the band of Louis’ boxers and pulled them down, freeing him from the restrictions of the fabric. He pulled his hand out of me and pushed my leggings off me.
‘Have you got protection?’ I asked him, disturbing the mood.
He nodded and got his wallet out from his jean pocket. I watched him as he pulled a metallic blue square out from it, and ripped it open with his teeth.
When he was finished, he positioned himself.
‘Tell me if you want me to stop,’ He said, leaning down to kiss me.
‘Go on,’ I urged him.
He pushed himself into me gradually. I gasped inwardly, my mouth inching open.
Louis looked at me cautiously. I nodded at him and smiled, indicating that he carry on. Once he was fully in me, he waited for me to adjust to his size. I gave Louis another nod.
He started to pump back and fourth, gradually getting faster. His eyes met mine as he smiled sweetly, pushing our lips together. His hands ran down my arms and he laced his fingers with mine.
The pressure built up inside me gradually, rising in the pit of my stomach. I let out a soft moan. Louis looked at me, aware. He picked up the pace, making his thrusts deeper and harder.
I could tell he was close to finishing as his rhythm became careless and sloppy and his breathing deepened.
The feeling inside me had reached a peak, and I let out a moan as my orgasm hit. Louis carried on, making my pleasure last as long as possible before spilling himself inside of me.
When we were done, he pulled his hand from my grasp and pushed my fringe out of my face. His head veered down so his nose was in line with mine. He kissed me, catching my top lip between his.
He pulled himself out of me and fell back onto the bed. ‘You know Harry’s going to fin out, don’t you.’
‘I can keep it a secret if you like?’ He suggested.
‘No,’ I shook my head, ‘no more secrets.’
‘And you’re okay with that?’ He asked.
I shrugged. If I’m perfectly honest, all I could think about was how Harry would react. And I was worried. I didn’t want to push him away any more than I already had. I still wasn’t sure if I’d slept with Louis because it felt right, or as an act of revenge. I knew how Harry would see it, either way.
CHAPTER 21 - VANESSA
A soft crackling woke me up. I opened my eyes to see the source of the noise; I had rolled over to a piece of paper. It was a note from Louis, and it read:
I didn’t want to wake you, had to go to rehearsals. Last night was amazing <3 Call me as soon as you wake up. Love Louis xx
I tried to force my eyes open and ran my hand through my hair. It was 10.15. I had 45 minutes until I had to meet Harry. Well, I didn’t have to. I hadn’t really consciously made a decision. I didn’t even have to ask myself if I wanted to go. It was a case of what I was meant to do. I had no idea what Harry would be thinking. I know he’d want me to go, but did he expect me to turn up? Surely not. I hadn’t been very responsive last night. What would make him think I’d want to go today?
Fact of the matter was I was going to go because I felt guilty. Guilt wasn’t appropriate, I know. I had nothing to be guilty about. He was in the wrong, not me.
Getting up, I went to the bathroom, quickly washed, got changed and made myself look decent in the space of just under 25 minutes. If I wanted to be on time, I had to be out of the house now.
I went downstairs to find my mum asleep on the sofa.
‘What the hell?’ I said aloud.
My mum stirred and lifted her head. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was stuck to her face. ‘Heya sweetie,’ she croaked, lifting an arm.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, now worried.
‘Mhmm,’ she mumbled.
I turned away.
‘Hey, wait!’ She said, with an unexplainable smile on her face. ‘I saw your dad last night.’
I felt my face drop. ‘What? Why?’
‘He was in the same restaurant as me! He came over to talk to me, so I let him take me out for a drink or two after.’
‘Mum, tell me you didn’t do anything stupid,’ I queried, realising she was still drunk.
Up until the age of 13, my nights consisted of watching my mum go in circles with my dad. She would break up with him, then make up and go out and come home the next morning completely smashed. The next few days would be the same, until he dumped her for another woman leaving her to drink more, and end it all with crying. She wouldn’t leave the living room and refused to eat for days, just smoking on end.
Finally, she saw the light and got herself a steady boyfriend just before my 13th birthday. That was the best birthday I’d ever had. To my dismay, they split up 2 years ago. I watched out for my mum after that, trying to make sure she didn’t have another breakdown.
My mum looked up at me and grinned like a mad woman.
I felt my nostrils flare and my breathing become heavy. ‘Mum, when did you get in?’ I demanded.
‘About 6.30 this morning. Just in time to see your boyfriend leave. What’s his name, Laurence?’
‘Louis,’ I said. I perched on the arm of the sofa. ‘Mum, you need to get up and clean yourself up. Go up to your bed.’
‘No, I like it down here,’ she said, slumping back down.
‘Come on,’ I said, sighing as I pulled her arm. I supported her to the bottom of the stairs.
She pulled her arm away from me almost like a delayed reaction, drunkenly hitting me in the face by accident as she did. I staggered back, trying not to fall over from the thump I had just absorbed.
‘Get off me!’ She yelled. ‘What are you? My mother?!’ She said, not even realising what she had just done.
I gritted my teeth and felt tears well up in my eyes. I grabbed my bag and opened the front door. ‘You know what, it’s about time someone started acting like a mother around here. And if it’s not you, I guess it’s gotta be me!’
I stormed out and slammed the front door behind me, triggering tears to pour down my face. I couldn’t believe I was back here again.
Standing at the bus stop, I tried to reassure myself with thoughts like; Everyone slipped up, this is probably just a one time thing.
I prayed to God that this wasn’t going to start up again. Once my mum promised she was through with my dad, I vowed to myself I would never see that man again, as long as I lived. He was scum. In my eyes, I didn’t have a father, and I was fine with that.
As the bus pulled up, I wiped the moisture from my face. I winced as my palm hit my cheek. In the reflection of the glass door, I could faintly make out a bruise rising. I started to worry about how my mum was, and considered turning around. I decided against it, realising it would probably be better to wait until she had sobered up a little, assuming she didn’t raid the alcohol cupboard.
It was 11.10 by the time I stepped off the bus, so I power-walked to the café. Crap, I thought. I had completely forgotten about calling Louis. I pulled out my phone and sent him a text.
Something came up, call you later? xxx
*Message Sent to Louis*
I got a reply immediately.
*Inbox (1 Louis)*
Sure love, talk soon xxx
I slipped my phone back in my pocket as I walked through the double glass doors of the café. As soon as I was in there, I decided I really didn’t want to be in a public place. As usual, the café was pretty full.
Harry was sat in a corner reading a newspaper. He looked up and back down double taking as he realised it was me. His eyes widened as they settled on my face.
I swallowed hard and bit my lip, tilting my head towards the door. He nodded, acknowledging my request to go outside. I stepped into the cold air and waited for Harry to join me.
As soon as he was next to me, I started to walk along the iced pathway. I turned down the alleyway next to the café, which headed towards Sainsbury’s.
Harry grabbed my arm. ‘Vanessa, slow down.’
I span round to face him, ending up closer to his face than I was prepared for. I felt his hot breath on my cheek. His tongue flicked out and brushed his lips.
His hand reached up and palmed my face. He turned my right cheek to face him. ‘What the fuck happened?’ He asked, his brow furrowing.
‘It’s nothing,’ I said, shaking my head out of his grasp. ‘My mum was,’ I paused. ‘She was in a bad mood this morning.’
Harry face looked taken aback. ‘Wha- wait, your mum hit you?’ He asked, his mouth hung open. I thought I could see genuine concern in his eyes.
‘No!’ I almost yelled. ‘No, she was just,’ I dropped my head. ‘It was an accident. She was… Drunk.’ I stammered.
‘This morning?’ His eyebrows arched.
I nodded as the tears began again.
Harry stepped closer. ‘Hey, hey, hey. Don’t cry sweetie.’ He wrapped his arm around my back and pulled my head to his chest with the other. I was sure I felt him smell my hair, but I really didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around him in return.
‘I take it things aren’t going well at home. Did this start last night?’ He was now softly stoking my hair.
I forced myself to focus on how inappropriate this was, so I didn’t enjoy it too much. ‘No,’ I whimpered. ‘She didn’t get back until this morning. She was still pissed. Turns out she got back with my dad. I tried to help her, but she yelled at me and I stormed out.’
‘She got back with your dad? Aren’t you happy about that?’
I shook my head furiously into his chest. ‘No, he’s a dick. He’s never done anything good for either of us.’ I proceeded to tell him everything about my parent’s rocky relationship.
Harry had taken a few steps back and was now leaning against the wall with me leaning against him.
I felt his body jerk up. ‘Shit!’ He said.
I sniffed and looked up at him. ‘What is it?’
‘Photographers. Come on, we need to go.’ He grabbed my arm and pulled me down the alleyway.
I turned my head. My pace picked up when I saw two people speed walking after us. ‘Are they always like this?’ I asked Harry.
‘Pretty much,’ he sighed. He picked up his pace causing the two photographers to fall behind. Harry must have known this place pretty well, because we turned down so many paths, I seemed to be the only one afraid of getting lost.
He pulled at my arm, dragging me down another alleyway. This one was a dead end. His free hand pushed on a door bar and we walked into an empty room.
‘Where are we?’ I asked, afraid of the answer.
‘Just a closed down building. It used to be a dance studio.’
I looked around. Nothing about this place signified a shut down dance studio besides shattered glass blanketing part of the floor.
I grimaced. ‘Nice.’
‘Hey,’ he held up his hands. ‘You were the one that wanted to leave the café. Besides, it’s not too bad here. It’s got character. I come here to get my mind off of things sometimes.’
‘Do the other guys come here too?’ I asked, sitting on an upturned metal bed frame.
‘No, they don’t know about it. Just me,’ he smiled.
‘They probably wouldn’t come here even if they did know about it. Look at this place! It’s a shithole,’ I scowled.
‘No, I said character,’ He laughed.
‘Yeah, character,’ I mocked, gesturing towards the piles of crap around us. It was obviously used as a dumping ground. However to my surprise, it didn’t smell bad at all.
He sat next to me, making the frame tilt downwards slightly. ‘So,’ he said, his hand resting on mine. ‘What happens with us now?’
I didn’t say anything, just stared at the floor.
‘I’m so sorry Nessa. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell you. It started out as just withholding the truth and then I had to lie to you to keep it up. I was going to tell you, it just never felt right. I didn’t know what to do, I got so-’
I pushed my finger to his lips. ‘Hush. I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt me. But I can look past that. You were always kind to me Harry. And when you said you didn’t have feelings for me, I-’
I stopped mid-sentence when Harry came closer and touched his nose to mine. He shook his head, ‘That was the biggest lie I told.’
I stayed silent as his lips pushed up against mine. He pushed his tongue up under my upper lip, then it brushed my bottom lip and he bit down gently on it. I responded by forcing my mouth into his. My hands pushed up through his hair as he pulled me on top of him, one leg either side of his thighs.
He stopped and rested his forehead against mine. ‘You can’t tell me you don’t feel the same. You can’t say that after a kiss like that.’
I shook my head as I climbed from him. ‘It was just a kiss,’ I said, raising my hand to my mouth. ‘I got caught up in the moment.’ I turned around and put my head in my hands, crouching slightly in frustration.
‘Don’t lie to me,’ Harry said, standing up.
‘That’s rich!’ I spat back.
‘Don’t. I know that wasn’t just a kiss,’ Harry walked closer.
‘No Harry! That’s all it was. A kiss. It will never be anything more with us. It can’t be,’ I said through my teeth.
‘Why?’ He asked, again taking a step closer.
‘Because,’ I started. ‘I’m with Louis.’
‘That’s not serious though? Tell me you feel as strongly about him as you do about me.’
‘You’re making a mistake,’ Harry reached out his palm and cupped my cheek. His thumb brushed up and down slowly. ‘Don’t waste it. Please. I could be everything for you, Vanessa. You and Louis can’t be anything more than a fling, an infatuation. Nothing can be that perfect. You can’t feel strongly about him.’ His eyes were red and his jaw was shaking.
I looked up into his perfectly blue eyes. He was right. I wanted him more than I wanted Louis. But Louis and me were certain. Harry was just a fantasy. I couldn’t be with Harry without upsetting Louis and besides all this, I did care for him.
‘Harry,’ I said, unsure about what I was about to do. This could ruin things for not just men, but the band too.
‘What is it?’ He asked, raising my head with a finger under my chin. He moved his lips closer for another kiss.
I squeezed my eyes shut. ‘I slept with Louis.’
Harry’s breath had stopped hitting my face. I opened my eyes. He was still standing in front of me. His hands dropped back down to his side, and his blue eyes clouded over. A wave of his warm breath finally crashed into my face as he sighed deeply.
He turned around and took four paces.
‘Harry?’ I asked, not enjoying the silence one bit.
‘You’ll regret it,’ he said snidely.
‘What?’ I asked, shocked.
‘You’ll regret sleeping with him in the future. That is, if you don’t already. Your first time with a boy you don’t even love. Tell me you don’t already regret it?’ He asked in an accusatory tone.
‘I-I,’ I stammered. I knew I was unsure about how I felt for Louis.
‘That’s what I thought,’ Harry snapped.
‘At least Louis is staying with me! If it had been you, you’d already be out the door looking for other girls to mess around with!’ I almost screamed at him, letting all my doubts about him out at once.
Harry stared me down for a second. He shook his head, not believing what I had just said. ‘That right there! That is the exact reason I didn’t want you to know about who I was. Have I honestly not made it clear enough how I feel about you? Do you want me to write it down?’
‘How could I think anything else Harry? You’re famous and Britain’s biggest heart-throb,’ I sighed.
‘You know how hypocritical you’re being? You can’t use that as an excuse not to go out with me, when you knew Louis was famous from the very beginning. Is that the reason you were so into him? Because he was famous?’
‘Well why then? Why me and not him? What’s so different about us two, huh?’
I searched my mind for an answer that seemed logical. I said the only thing I could come up with. ‘He was first.’ It sounded better in my head.
‘What?’ Harry asked, ridiculing my statement.
‘You didn’t make a move Harry. Louis did, and at the time, yeah, maybe I was a little excited about him being Louis Tomlinson from One Direction.’ I confessed.
Harry sucked on his cheek and shook his head. He let out a little disbelieving laugh. ‘I knew you were only in it for that.’
‘What, no! Harry, I love Louis!’ I stared up at him. The words had just slipped out, shocking even me.
Harry turned to a dressing table that was holding up a few glass bottles and a box. He swiftly picked up one of the bottles and threw it at the wall. Before the glass even had time to settle, his arms swept the rest of the stuff off of the top and turned the table over. His hands met each other at the back of his head and then fell to his side.
My body shook in fear as the noise echoed through the hall and the silence settled back in. Just as I was about turn to run away, Harry piped up.
He swallowed hard and shook his head. ‘Have you told him?’ He whispered.
‘Are you sure that’s how you feel?’ He asked me through gritted teeth.
I felt a lump rising in my throat, and choked it down. ‘Goodbye Harry,’ I whispered, still frightened by his outburst.
‘Wait,’ he said. ‘I think, if this is how you really feel, that we shouldn’t meet up anymore, or talk to each other. Louis doesn’t deserve this.’
‘Harry,’ I outwardly gasped. ‘Don’t say that, I know you don’t mean it.’
‘I’m being serious,’ Harry started.
I interjected and said, ‘Sleep on it. I’ll call you tomorrow.’
As I turned round to walk away, Harry ran to obstruct the doorway. ‘For God’s sake Vanessa. I tried putting this nicely. I don’t want to talk to you anymore, or see you ever again. You should understand why. From now on, you’re just Louis girlfriend, and I’ll put up with you when I have to.’
With that, he turned around and stormed out. I picked my phone out of my pocket and dialled Louis’ number.
‘Hey, I’ve been waiting to hear from you. How you doing babe?’ He said.
‘Hi,’ I managed to whisper. ‘I’m… not so good.’
‘Can we please meet up when you’re free?’ I asked, trying not to cry.
‘Of course, I’m free for a few hours. Where’d you wanna meet?’
It occurred to me that I had no idea where I was. Still on the phone, I walked out into the street.
‘Nessa?’ He asked.
‘Yeah, um. I’m lost.’ I read out the name of a street to him.
‘Sure, I know where that is. I’ll be there in 5,’ he said.
I clicked off the phone and proceeded to wait for Louis. I walked over to a wall by the signpost and sat down on it, thinking over what Harry had said to me.
He shouldn’t have said that. He can’t mean it. We were so close only 10 minuets ago, and now he never wanted to see me again. Maybe he was just doing this to make it easier for him. I wasn’t being fair on either of them, Harry or Louis. I was leading Harry on and I was having very mixed feelings about Louis.
A surge of self-pity hit me and tears started pouring down my face. I couldn’t help it, now my mum had decided to do this again and Harry had shut me out.
I could barely see anything through the blurry fuzz the water in my eyes had made when I felt a warm body wrap around me. I inhaled cinnamon and burnt cookies, a smell that I immediately recognised to be Louis.
He stood in between my legs as I rubbed my eyes clear.
‘I’m fine,’ I said, before he could question me.
‘No you’re not. What’s wrong?’ He persisted.
‘Nothing,’ I continued.
He turned my face to the side. ‘That bruise on your cheek says otherwise. Please tell me what happened.’
I sighed deeply at having to re-tell the entire story. I told him all about my mum. I then mistakenly told him about my meeting with Harry. Minus the context and the kiss.
‘That’s why you couldn’t call me?’ He asked, his brow furrowing deeply.
I nodded. There was no talking my way out of this.
‘That’s what you meant by something came up? You were meeting with Harry?’
‘Surely you knew? I just assumed…’ I said.
Louis exhaled deeply. ‘I knew Harry was going out, I just didn’t know… I guess I should have put two and two together. You had a lot to talk about.’
My eyes flicked to the ground.
‘What? What is it?’ Louis asked, suddenly confused.
‘No, no. It’s nothing. He just wanted to apologise.’ I wiped my eyes and smiled up at Louis.
‘Oh. Okay.’ Louis stood in front of me, with his forehead to mine for a while. He then straightened his back, causing him to tower over me slightly. He looked down into my eyes. ‘Do you want me to walk you home? It’s quite close to here.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want to go home,’ I whispered. I rest my head against his chest. I could hear his heart beating. Every pulse knocked against his chest and vibrated onto me.
He lifted my head up to face his. ‘I have another few hours off. There’s a chance Harry will be there – I don’t know what the deal is between you two, but you can come round ours for a bit if you like?’
I nodded. ‘Sounds good.’
The deal between me and Harry, I thought as we walked to Louis’. I didn’t even know that. The venomous words he’d spat at me earlier reprocessed through my head. ‘You’re just Louis girlfriend, and I’ll put up with you when I have to.’
Just Louis’ girlfriend? Just. Just. I couldn’t help but emphasise that word in my head. It was so careless. There was no emotion in that sentence at all. Harry had spat it in my face, monotone then walked out without a look or a word. No sympathy or remorse in his eyes.
I was glad Harry would be there. Maybe it’ll give us a chance to sort things out.
‘Zayn?’ Louis shouted when we walked through the door.
‘Yeah?’ A call came from upstairs.
‘Your shoes are in the way of the door. Stop leaving them there, it’s annoying me.’
Zayn came bounding down the stairs, topless. ‘Someone’s in a good mood.’ He looked up from his feet and saw me. ‘Oh shit, didn’t realise we had company,’ he said, scratching his head and picking his shoes up. ‘Sorry, I’ll just go and put a top on.’
‘Wait Zayn,’ Louis said before he got upstairs. Zayn turned around. ‘Is Harry here? We need to talk.’
‘No man, he’s been out all day. I hope he’s back in time for rehearsals. What’s happened with you two now?’
Louis shook his head, ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Zayn followed his path upstairs and around the corner. I turned to Louis. ‘What do you want to talk to Harry about? Has he done something?’ I said a bit too fast.
‘Woah,’ Louis held up his hands. ‘No I just wanna speak to him that’s all. Why? What do you think he’s done? Has something happened between you? You’ve been really strange about him lately.’
My face drained of colour. ‘Nothing’s happened between us? Are you accusing me of something?’
‘Chill,’ Louis hushed. ‘I didn’t mean anything by it.’ Louis attitude had suddenly changed. He’d lost that caring glow in his eyes. His body had tensed and his hand slipped from mine. He turned to me. I was waiting for him to ask me something. I was waiting for him to say it, to ask about me and Harry. Nothing could have prepared me for the silence that followed. He said nothing. His eyes filled with a ‘I know you’re hiding something’ sort of look. It resembled disappointment, something that had always managed to fill me with shame.
My eyes dropped to the floor and I pulled my hands together, each finger toying with another. At that moment I was sure we both knew something had happened. ‘You’re right,’ I broke the silence with. Louis looked up at me confused. ‘I do need to talk to Harry. We just had a bit of a fight, that’s all.’
Louis’ eyes softened a little in light of the new information. I waited for his facial expression ad body language to return to normal. They didn’t. My shoulders slumped as it finally sunk into me. The guilt of how badly I was treating Louis ricocheted in my mind. It felt like I was stringing him along. But I can’t have been. I had feelings that ran deep for Louis.
My head was forced back into the room as Louis fitted his fingers between mine. ‘Come on,’ he said, flinching his head up the stairs. ‘Let’s introduce you to the boys.’
Louis hand rapped on the gaming room door. ‘Guys, you decent? Vanessa’s here.’ Louis gave them a second. I heard them scampering around on the other side of the door before a topless Liam pulled it open.
My face flushed as I stood there sheepishly.
‘Hi,’ Liam said, smiling all-whites in my direction.
‘Hello,’ I whispered in reply.
‘Oh shit,’ Louis said, pulling the door shut again.
‘Louis?’ Liam said on the other side of the door.
Louis turned to me and smiled. ‘Down the corridor then turn right. That’s where our bedroom is. It’s just been cleaned so it should be fine. Go and wait there while me and the guys, erm, tidy up a little bit.’
I chuckled and nodded. Louis kissed me on the cheek as I turned to walk down the hall. There was a bedroom with ‘One Direction’ written on a piece of plain card and taped to the door. Not exactly what you would call 5 star. I clicked open the door and let myself in. There were 3 sets of bunkbeds, one of which the bottom bunk was full of empty suitcases. They each had a name taped onto the headboard, in a similar fashion to the door. Louis’ bed was on top of Niall’s, opposite Harry’s top bunk on top of Zayn’s, leaving Liam with the suitcase-filled bunk.
I walked over to Harry’s and instantly recognised his strong aftershave. There were a few bracelets on the knob of the bunk. I pulled off one that looked hand-made, a red and brown plaited one, and ran my fingers across it before slipping it over my wrist. I knew it was wrong to take something like that, so I pulled off a friendship bracelet from my wrist and placed it on the bed post to somehow try and balance it out. I just needed to feel a connection with Harry.
There were a few books at the end of his bed, The Catcher in the Rye, Angels and Demons and personally my favourite find, Romeo and Juliet. Harry didn’t strike me as much of a book-reader, but maybe I was wrong. I picked up Romeo and Juliet and flicked through the pages. A piece of tatty paper fell out onto the mattress. I picked it up and read the inscription on the back. Gemma, Harry and Anne 1995. I turned it over in my hands. My eyes studied an old photo of the Harry and his family. Anne was holding a baby Harry in her arms whilst a very happy Gemma stood beside her, her little fists clutching on to Anne’s skirt.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ A loud voice interrupted me.
My spine shot up straight and I hurriedly dropped the book and photo onto the mattress.
Harry stood in the door way. He looked tired and upset. ‘I’m sorry,’ I managed to stutter. ‘I was just, I mean, I didn’t mean to look through your stuff.
‘What did you mean to do then?’ Harry asked.
‘I was just waiting for Louis and, I don’t know. Sorry,’ I said, embarrassed. ‘Where have you been?’ I asked, suddenly concerned.
I clenched my jaw. ‘Harry, we need to talk.’
‘No, we don’t,’ he said as he picked up his hoodie and started to walk out the door.
‘Harry!’ I demanded. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about this. But you know as well as I do that nothing can ever happen. I’m with Louis. Your best friend.’ I tried to make him understand.
‘I know. Vanessa, I’m not doing this out of spite. I’m doing this to save myself.’ Harry turned his back to walk out.
I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around again. Without hesitation I pushed my body into his and wrapped my arms around him. I breathed heavily. ‘I do love you Harry.’ I said.
I felt his chest rise and fall beneath me a few times before wrapping his arms around my body. ‘I know,’ his lips pushed against my head. I looked up at him and he smiled down at me. ‘I love you too.’
‘I’m glad you two made up,’ Louis said, walking in on us hugging.
‘Yeah,’ I sighed, peeling my body away from Harry and sticking to Louis side. His arm draped over my shoulder.
‘Your phone’s vibrating,’ Louis smiled at me.
I laughed and pulled it out of my pocket, picking it up.
‘Hey mum,’ I said.
She didn’t say anything. I could hear her sobs on the other end of the line.
‘Mum? Are you okay?’ I asked.
‘Vanes… essa,’ she slurred. Oh god. I felt my face drop. I looked up at Harry and Louis who were looking at me questioningly. I smiled at them reassuringly.
‘Please come home. I’m ss-so sss-ssorry. Me and your fa-fathh-huuur… together.’
‘I’m coming.’ I hung up, not wanting to listen to anymore.
‘Everything okay?’ Harry asked before Louis could.
‘Yeah,’ I breathed. ‘I just have to go home. She’s still drunk.’ I shook my head and pushed my hair out of my face.
‘I’ll walk you,’ Louis said.
I nodded. ‘Okay.’ I smiled at Harry before leaving and he mouthed call me my way. I could only nod slightly as Lou lead me out of the room.
‘Do you need me to go in with you?’ Louis asked as I put the key in my front door.
‘No, I don’t think you should see this. Besides, you’ve got rehearsals in half an hour, so you wouldn’t be able to do much,’ I reminded him. I sighed heavily, wishing he could help me, but not sure I could take the embarrassment. I smiled up at Louis. ‘I’d better go in.’
‘Alright then,’ Louis whispered, brushing my hair out from my face. My eyes met his as he leant forward and caught my bottom lip between his. Once he’d broken the kiss, he pushed his forehead to mine.
‘I love you,’ he breathed.
My eyes shot up.
It felt like we’d been staring at each other for hours. Not even five seconds had passed.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered before turning around and walking into my house without looking back.
I felt awful for what I had just done. Louis didn’t deserve that. Part of me wanted to tell him I loved him, but there was such uncertainty in my mind that I knew it wouldn’t be fair to say it and regret it. I had strong and definite feelings for Louis, but I’m not sure it was love.
‘Vssa? That you?!’ I heard my mum yell from the kitchen.
I followed her voice and found her sat on the floor, propped up by the cabinets and surrounded by bottles.
‘Mama, come on! You can’t keep doing this. Seriously, how much have you had?’ I complained.
‘Not much, I swear!’ She laughed up at me. ‘Your dad will be here in… three hours to pick me up.’
I nodded. ‘Well stop drinking now then,’ I said, calmly.
She smiled at me and threw up her hands, wanting me to pull her to her feet. I grabbed her hands and pulled her up, which didn’t go down so well.
I ended up half dragging her upstairs and pulling her into the closest room available; my sisters.
‘Everything,’ my mum said, placing a hand on my bruised cheek, ‘everything has just been so lonely. You know?’ She said. ‘I love you Essa.’
I smiled and nodded. ‘Try to get some sleep, okay? I’ll wake you up 30 minutes before dad gets here.’
I knew she was a lot more drunk than normal. In 2 and a half hours, when she’d sobered up a little, she was going to be moody and angry. But when she drinks tons, she becomes very soppy and over-caring. The hangover wouldn’t help the mood-swing either.
I sighed deeply and left the room. My eyes were heavy from all the crying, and threatening to break again. My head was full of – I don’t even know. I was so confused about Harry and Louis. I liked them both so much. I wasn’t sure if my feelings ran deeper for Harry. I had come to a realisation that what I felt for Louis was nothing more than infatuation. Harry was right, but I didn’t want to admit it. He’d belittled my relationship with Louis so much earlier; I almost resented him for it. I knew the reason he kept getting angry at me was because he was confused. And so was I. And with the moment I’d just shared with Louis, I was sure he was confused too.
I went to my room and got stuck into my history essay. Before long it was time to wake mum. She was still hungover, and in a foul mood. I didn’t watch her leave. I didn’t go down to see him take her away again. I knew what it looked like.
The next five or so weeks were the same. My mum came home late, I took her upstairs, made her a coffee and gave her some paracetamol. She slept most of the day until he came and picked her up for another night out. I went and bought the shopping with the money I was saving for university so we didn’t starve. I even had to pick up evening shifts to earn a bit more. My mum was self-employed, so she couldn’t get fired. But she couldn’t work in her state. Whenever I tried pointing out that I shouldn’t be babysitting her, she spat abuse at me, telling me how I wasn’t a good enough daughter, and how she only drank because I was such a big disappointment. I knew it was all bullshit. I’d heard it before. They were my dad’s poisonous words, not hers. I had never been good enough for that man. ‘Second place is a losers position,’ he would always say. ‘You’re a winner Vanessa.’ He drilled it into me from the age of about 3. So when I rarely achieved first place for anything, you can imagine his disappointment. He had also told me I was unplanned, an accident. How he wished he’d never had me. This was another phrase my drunken mother had grabbed hold of. ‘I should have just had the abortion, then me and your dad would still be together.’ She had said.
‘That man is not my dad!’ I spat back. ‘And I’m seriously considering telling people you aren’t my mum.’
‘How dare you? I’ve provided you with everything! Get the fuck outta my house!’ She screamed.
I did as I was told. I span on my heel and got the hell out of there. I called Louis. This was the first time since he’d said the ‘L’ word.
When he met me, I was in pieces. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ I explained.
Louis put his arms around me and pulled me close.
We didn’t speak about that night. I just ranted to him about everything. My dad, my mum, my school work. I only regretted the fact that I couldn’t talk to him about our relationship.
After another couple of days at home, I caved. Picking up my phone, I dialled Harry’s number.
‘What’s up?’ His husky voice answered.
‘I need to see you,’ I said, my voice small and shaky.
He didn’t question it. ‘I’ll meet you there,’ he said.
By there, I could only assume he meant one place. I set off immediately.
The sound of the door slamming shut echoed through the big empty space. In the corner of my eye, I saw his curls bounce as his head shot up. I smiled weakly at him. He walked over to me, his face full of worry and engulfed me in a warm hug.
‘You look awful Nessa,’ he whispered. ‘What’s wrong?’ He turned me around as his back hit the wall and slid to the floor. His hands were round my waist as I sat in between his legs. I could feel his warm breath on my neck.
I furrowed my brow, well aware that as soon as I started to talk about it, tears would stream endlessly down my cheeks. After a short period of me trying to spit something out without crying, Harry started to guess.
‘Is it your mum?’ He asked.
I nodded again.
‘Not so much,’ I managed to whisper.
‘Is it… because Louis told you he loved you and you said thank you?’
I twisted my head around. ‘Who-?’
‘Louis told me. I thought you loved him?’ Harry asked, calmly.
‘So did I,’ my voice quivered. A tear formed in my eye and fell down my cheek. Like some kind of trigger, a massive rainstorm poured down my face. I sobbed into Harry’s hoodie for what seemed like hours.
By the time I was ready to talk, I had barely any voice left. ‘I need help Harry. My mum needs help. Everything’s just fallen apart. I don’t even know how. It happened so quickly. One minute we were a perfectly functional household and now I’m barely managing to hold myself together. I’m the one who has to do everything. I’m sick of looking after her.’
Harry turned my head to face him and looked into my eyes. After he thought about it for a while, biting on his lip, he said, ‘I’m so sorry.’
It hit me that there was nothing he could do, nothing anyone could do. I turned my head forwards and let it fall back into Harry’s chest.
I let myself escape my thoughts for a while. Harry’s arm rest across my chest and his thumb stroked my cheek. A calm washed over me. I realised hadn’t felt this calm in too long, as I happily let the feeling surge through me. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply.
I could hear Harry’s heart hammering against his chest, full-speed. His breathing dampened the spot behind my ear as he buried his face into my hair. Despite the bitterly cold weather, his body heat warmed me inside-out and made me feel secure. The thought that this couldn’t last haunted the back of my mind.
I stood up slowly. Harry shadowed me. I turned round to face him. Had I been on my tip-toes, our noses would be touching.
‘I have to go,’ I said as I watched a steamy cloud of hot breath disperse into the air before me.
Harry shook his head, ‘why?’
‘My- my mum. I have to do some shopping. I need to be home in case she comes back.’
Harry’s jaw clenched. ‘I could come with you?’ He suggested.
I chuckled. ‘No, Harry. That’s not an option.’
‘Okay,’ he nodded aversely.
I let a few moments pass as my chest rose and fell between us. Harry slowly bent down. I knew what was coming. I knew I wanted this. I reached up to meet him, my mouth colliding with his soft, inviting lips. He moved his mouth against mine, slowly and passionately. We both released from the kiss.
‘I love you,’ I said, as the well thought out words hung in the air.
Harry smiled sweetly. His hands slipped down my arms, finding mine and intertwining our fingers. ‘I love you too.’ He said whole-heartedly.
I let myself settle before taking a step back and unlocking our hands. I smiled once more, turned around and left the building. I forced myself not to look back, tears sliding down my face.
I found my way to the tinned goods isle in the supermarket and began filing my basket. I put in 12 cans of sausages and beans for my mum, and a variety of other things for myself. On the way to the checkouts, I grabbed a new sim-card.
Outside, I made my way to the ATM and withdrew the rest of my money, emptying my bank account. £378.
The key slipped into the door and clicked as it turned. I walked in and looked at the shoe rack. No mum. I walked through to the kitchen, put away my mums cans and took one of the can-openers out of the utensils drawer.
I threw the rest of the shopping down onto my bed, grabbed a bag from the top of my wardrobe and started to pack essential items. My head ran over the time me and Harry had shared, replaying it in my head so I wouldn’t forget. I singled out every detail, the feel of his heartbeat, the warmth of his touch, the spark in his eyes as he said those three words.
I unplugged my phone charger and packed it on top of the cans, closing the bag afterwards. I grabbed a few bits of paper and a pen, and started scribbling things down, my hand shaking and tears threatening as I did so.
Mum, I hope that when you find this you’re sober enough not to mistake it for rubbish. I’m going to make this as brief as possible. I’m leaving. I can’t be here any longer. Don’t come looking for me. Please. I’ll come back when I’m ready. I need you to look after yourself. My one wish is that you come to your senses and get that man out of your life. Look at yourself. You’re a mess, and I can’t take it anymore. I hate you now more than ever because it hurts me to watch someone I love so much do this to themselves. - Nessa x
Louis, I’m so sorry. I know this is probably the shittiest break up you’ve had. I don’t deserve you. I’m not sure I ever did. For what it’s worth, I do love you. But I can never love you enough. I know Lou. I know you still love Hannah. I’m not saying get back with her. I’m saying don’t settle for second best. Vanessa x
Harry. I don’t know what to say. I’ve been stringing you along for too long now. You know it could never be ‘us’ without hurting Louis a substantial amount. This is for the best. Believe me. Don’t think this means that every second we spent together wasn’t amazing. I’ll always think of you Harry, every second. I meant what I said. I’m in love with you. I think I’ve always known it, I was just too afraid to admit it, like you said. I haven’t told Louis about what we had. Whether you want him to know is up to you. He deserves to. I realise it’s unfair that I’ve left you to take the blame, which is why it’s also up to you to tell him. I will understand if you want it to be a secret. It was only a short moment, right? I can’t tell you where I’m going. I don’t want you to worry though, I’ll be fine. After all this, I hope you can forgive me. Secret addictions kill people like us. This is for the best. I love you, Harry Styles.
I folded each piece of paper and put them in their individual envelopes, scrawling names on each of them. I picked up my phone, left my keys and grabbed my bag to walk downstairs. After leaving my mums letter on the table, I picked up my coat and put on my shoes, making my way out of the door.
The cafe was almost empty. The waiter was readying the shop for closing, wiping the crumbs off the table, each one falling to its fate and bouncing once or twice. I sipped the last of my coffee as I looked at my phone, took my sim card out and replaced it with the new one, putting the old one in my purse. I turned my phone back on, deactivated my facebook and deleted my twitter. I was a new person. Almost. I picked up the parcel-brown envelopes and took them to the barista.
‘Hello,’ I said to the barista, with a friendly smile on my face.
‘Hi,’ she chimed.
‘You know those boys from the X factor who come in here?’ I asked.
The girl’s face lit up, ‘Harry Styles oh my gosh yes!’ She almost squealed.
I laughed, ‘yeah, that one. Do you mind giving him these letters? It’s personal, you see. I’m leaving today and I need these to get to them.’
‘Oh, well. I don’t think I’m allowed to give them stuff from fans,’ she said, hesitantly.
‘No, no, no!’ I said shaking my hands. ‘I’m not a fan really. I’m a close friend. Tell him it’s from Vanessa. He’ll know who you mean.’
The girl still looked unsure.
‘Here,’ I said, reaching out my phone under her nose. I scrolled through some pictures of me and Louis and some of me and Harry. There were a few of me with all the band in there too.
‘Hey,’ she said, pointing to my wrist. ‘I know that bracelet! That’s Harry’s! Did he give that to you?’
‘Yeah,’ I lied. Trust her to notice something that minor.
‘Okay, but just this once,’ she said, taking the letters.
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘It means a lot.’
I slipped a fiver into the tip jar as a thank you. Probably a bit too generous, but I had to make sure they got to the boys.
I stepped out the door and caught the bus to the train station before I thought this over too much. This was it.
CHAPTER 25 - HARRY
I woke up the next morning with a feeling of completion. I don’t know if it was the fact that I had worked things out with Nessa, or the fact that she’d told me she loved me.
I climbed out of bed and ran to the bathroom before any of the other boys took it. Even though it was 6.30, an hour before rehearsals started, the guys were all sound asleep.
After my shower, I pulled on some clean clothes and reached over for my lucky bunch of bracelets. I noticed that my red and brown string bracelet was gone, but there was an unfamiliar one in its place. It was blue, pink and green, and in the corner there were two letters, ‘VL’.
I could have sworn these bands had been in my room for the past five or so days. It then crossed my mind that it could have been when I caught Vanessa peering at an old photo of me and my family. I assumed it was her, considering the new addition. My fingers ran across the band before I slipped it over my wrist. A smile caught hold of me and I decided to text her.
Can I see you today? xxx
*Message Sent to Vanessa*
My phone flipped around in my fingers as I walked downstairs to get a coffee. There was no one downstairs. Matt and Cher were walking around upstairs and I assumed Rebecca was out for her morning run.
The finals were edging closer and I couldn’t have any distractions. Liam kept reminding me every time I would check my phone for a text from Vanessa. It got annoying at times. I didn’t see her as a distraction. She was my reason to focus. I wanted to make her proud, but the boys didn’t get that.
I reached into the top cupboard and felt around for the coffee jar. None there. I decided to walk back upstairs and wake up the guys.
‘Come on!’ I shouted. ‘It’s 7. Busy day of rehearsals guys!’
Liam jumped out of bed as Niall moaned, ‘coffee,’ pulling the covers over his head.
‘Get up, have a shower. I’ll run down to the cafe and get some cause we’re out. Okay?’ I asked.
Niall nodded and staggered out of bed. I laughed as I watched him attempt to keep his eyes open.
‘Someone’s happy,’ Zayn flicked his eyebrows up and down.
Louis’ head popped up. ‘Is it a girl?’ he asked.
‘Is it Vanessa’s friend?’ Liam joined in.
‘No guys, what’s with the 3rd degree?’ I snapped.
‘Just wondering who put that big smile on your face, that’s all,’ Zayn answered, rolling his eyes.
‘It’s nothing. I’m just in a good mood. I’d better go. I’ll see you at the studios in half an hour. Black coffee, right Niall?’
‘Yeah,’ he yawned. ‘Thanks.’
At the door I slipped on my supras and made my way to the coffee shop. The boys were right. I was happier now. It was all down to Vanessa but I couldn’t exactly say that in front of Louis, could I? Technically, they were still together. I was sure she would end it with him soon. We would have to keep our relationship on the down low for a while, at least until Lou realised she was just his rebound. And I’m sure he’d understand considering I’d liked her from the moment I saw her.
The door chimed as I pushed it open. I walked up to the cash register.
‘Hi Harry,’ Nikki said with the usual widespread grin on her face.
‘Hey Nikki. How’s it going?’ I said, too unenthusiastically.
‘Fine thanks. What can I get you today?’
‘Just a black coffee and a mocha please,’ I smiled.
‘Oh,’ Nikki said as I handed her the five pound note, ‘Some crazy fan claiming to know you gave me some letters to give to you. She said you gave her your bracelet. Like you’d ever do that, she was wearing your favourite one!’ She giggled and then stopped herself and lowered her head, realising she’d said too much.
One of my eyebrows was raised as I took in what she had just said. ‘What did she look like?’ I asked.
‘Oh errm, brown hair down past her shoulders, green eyes and fair skin. She had mascara all down her face and a thick brown coat on. She was carrying a big bag?’
An alarm sounded in my head. I felt my smile disappear as the worst thoughts ran through my mind. I put my hand out. ‘Give me them.’
Nikki looked taken aback by my commanding tone, but suddenly I was in no mood to act sickly sweet. What if she had decided to stay with Louis?
She handed me two envelopes, one addressed to Louis the other to me. I took the two take away cups and sat down in the chairs at the back of the cafe. My thumb slipped under the flap of the envelope and tore it away. My fingers pulled out a folded piece of paper.
My eyes scanned across the words. I could feel Nikki’s eyes on me as I read the letter, watching my face crumble as I tried to make sense of the jumble of scratchings on the paper in my hands.
I can’t tell you where I’m going… After all this, I hope you can forgive me.
It finally hit me. She’d left. I couldn’t understand why. Everything inside me began to ache and pull to the floor. I felt my whole chest drop. I wouldn’t allow myself to cry. I couldn’t justify the pain I was feeling because she wasn’t mine to miss. A strange rage boiled inside me. I picked up the letters and stormed outside, leaving the coffees at the table. I pushed my was past a man down the alley way and made my way to the empty dance studio.
As I walked in there my eyes flooded with pools of water. I convinced myself these were angry tears. I was so angry at her. How dare she? How dare she tell me she loves me then leave without a word? How dare she think a letter is an adequate way to say good bye? How dare she let me fall in love with her? I placed my palms under the frame of a broken table and tipped it over. I kicked everything in my path with my feet and then repeatedly laid my fists into the solid wall, tears still stubbornly rolling their way down my face.
‘Harry? Harry!’ Louis ran over to me and grabbed my fists, stopping my momentum. I punched him a few times in the shoulder before collapsing into him. ‘What the fuck is it? We’ve been waiting for you. You do know it’s 9? You’ve been gone 2 hours.’
‘She’s gone,’ I choked.
‘What?’ Louis asked.
I pulled the envelope out of my pocket and thrust it at him. I watched him as he read through his letter. I watched the confusion cross his face as his brow furrowed and he read the letter over and over again.
His hand reached up and clamped over his mouth, pulling down and moulding round his chin. He took a deep breath. ‘You’ve read this?’ He held up the letter.
‘No,’ I replied. Louis gave me the letter.
‘How do you know she’s gone. It says nothing about her leaving in there. It’s just a break up letter,’ Louis face was dead-pan. He was pretty good at hiding his emotions.
I considered showing him my letter, but I decided against it. Louis needn’t know everything yet. ‘Nikki told me. She described Vanessa, and said that she had been told to tell me she was leaving. Wouldn’t say where to. She’s gone.’
Louis walked over to me, his jaw clenched and his eyes welling. The moisture didn’t quite spill over his eyes. ‘You need to go to the hospital,’ he said, picking up my hand.
I winced as he did so, and looked down at my fists. My fingers were in pain and slightly out of place. I figured I’d dislocated a finger or two. The skin on my knuckles was no longer visible due to blood caked across the width of my hand. I nodded at Louis and sighed.
‘I’ll ring the boys. It’s the final tomorrow night Harry. You’re gonna have to go on your own. We have to rehearse mate.’
I nodded again. ‘Are you okay man?’
Louis smiled. ‘Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’
Ah thank you very much :) I will try, but some of the chapters are insanely long and take me timeee to write :) Yeah, it’s quite different I guess. I wasn’t sure whether or not to call it a fanfic, cause it’s a nice story, just one people would rather read than live I guess… But thank you very much :) xx